At the start of every month, I write out what I want to accomplish, my specific goals, and any intentions I have. From this routine I have uncovered quite a bit about myself. (Remember the year Kylie said she wanted to “realize things”?? Well this is me! Realizing things! About myself! She was actually onto something!)
Some realizations have been good, some have been bad, some have really defined me and I didn’t even know it. I want to make it a May objective to share my self-reflection once a week. First up is how ‘Captain Marvel changed my life????’ (If I had a YouTube Channel that would be my clickbait-y title with a really sad, ugly cry face)
Here we go.
Over Easter weekend, I saw Captain Marvel with my boyfriend. I had no idea what the movie was about, but he REALLY wanted to see it, and I am always down to eat my weight in movie theater popcorn.
After the movie, we sat in the car for about an hour while I uncontrollably sobbed… (Folks. This is not a sad movie. I had no connection to anything happening going into it so no emotional turmoil was anticipated or expected) BUT, the movie struck a cord with me.
In that moment, I realized that my entire 24 years of life I was just a shell of a person. I never allowed myself to fully be who I am. I always have tried to people please; always been too shy or timid; went by what was expected from me by family, friends, coaches, and society; always thought my opinions were invalid; always dulled my own shine. I have always been afraid to take up space. Afraid to want the things I wanted, that I wasn’t allowed to want more than what I had.
It was a “holy shit” moment. Completely unpredictable. Didn’t see it coming. I was totally in the dark that I was even struggling with this subconsciously.
But now I’ll never forget it.
~~~~~~ don’t continue reading if you want to see this movie & haven’t~~~~~~
Here is my synopsis of the movie. Captain Marvel has the power to shoot energy? Out of her fists? It’s kind of bizarre. But she can’t control it. She thinks she has no control over her emotions and they often get the best of her. She has a mentor who is “training” her to gain control. Also important to note is she doesn’t really know why she has the power to begin with.
Gets deeper into the movie, they’re on another planet now. Captain Marvel does some wacky shit, ignores orders (part of her ‘emotional’ persona) and then ends up in deep shit/locked up.
While locked up, she has flashbacks. Little snippets of her life but they confuse her. Her whole life she’s basically been told she can’t do this, she shouldn’t do that, gets reprimanded, just constantly pushed down pushed down pushed down. One specific memory is being yelled at by presumably her dad? For crashing a go-cart? And it’s kind of implied that she shouldn’t be doing these things because she is a girl. The majority, if not all, of the flashbacks hold this same message. Also in the memories she talks to a woman who – spoiler – ends up being the key to all the issues going on.
Flashbacks over. She breaks out. Ends up on Earth. Humans are now involved. They’re like bitch who the fuck are you? The following conversation ensues…
“I’m Captain MARVEL!!!” Uhm… who do you know here? “Greg invited me!!” Yeah there is no Greg in Beta Kappa Crappa you aren’t allowed in GTFO off our porch
JK. She has no ID. She runs off to fight aliens. FBI follows. And then the FBI dude is like “woah damn” we need her because DIFFERENT alien shit happens and they realize that the world is going to end.
Moving forward, they (FBI dude & Marvel lady) figure out that they need more info on this woman in Captain Marvel’s flashbacks in order to solve this M-E-S-S. They go to this secret NASA airplane base. Get locked up because obvi aren’t meant to be there. Break out. Go to database to rummage through files to for the necessary information.
They’re rummaging through files. FBI guy still don’t trust her. This backfires. Back up comes. Fighting occurs. They’re running. It’s chaotic. (But it’s a movie so you know it gon be alllllll right.) FBI guy realizes he fucks up. They survive. Have the majority of the information they need yadda yadda yadda… Now let’s fast forward to the end.
It’s near the end now. Shit has gotten REALLY REAL. Her mentor? He is a piece of shit. Was taking advantage of her, undermining her, and essentially carrying on the message that she ain’t shit, can’t do shit, and that she has no idea who she is. It comes down to a make or break it moment. You think this is the end. There is no way out. Captain Marvel has to dig down DEEP to figure out WHO SHE IS and how to harness ALL HER POWER before it’s “stripped of her completely.”
She’s reflecting. She’s thinking HARD. It all comes back to her. She remembers how she got the powers. She remembers more of her life. She remembers that every time she was told no or put down or failed, that she always got up and kept going. She never let fear stop her. She realized that “damn I really AM that bitch and I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to and be WHOEVER I wanna be!”
AND HOMIES!!!!!!!!!!! IN THAT REALIZATION, SHE IS ABLE TO UNLOCK/RELEASE ALL THE ENERGY THAT SHE HAD *~*WITHIN*~* HER THIS WHOLE TIME. AND NOW THIS BITCH CAN FUCKING FLY. SHE CAN STRAIGHT UP FLY. INTO SPACE!!! AND FIGHT OFF ENTIRE SPACESHIPS?!?! JUST HERSELF???
Damn… that’s crazy.
So. Post movie. It hit me that I was living my life in a similar fashion. I had been going down the path that was laid out in front of me, what was expected of me, what I felt pressured to do. I was scared to be myself. I have been living my life utilizing only a fraction of the power that is within me and under the notion that I am only capable of so much.
(I literally have never once strived to be the best at something because I have always thought that I’m not capable of being the best. Who the HELL wants to live life that way?)
So I’m sitting in this car, in the parking lot in a town that I lived in for 23 years, thinking “holy shit, who the hell have I been all these years?!?”
And then I think to myself… ~*****Just like Captain Marvel*****~ I am capable of achieving ANYTHING I set my mind to. I am capable of being my full, authentic, BEST self. I don’t have to act in accordance or live my life in a way that aligns with what society, friends, or family expect of me. I can be WHO I WANT TO BE! I am a Barbie girl! (Be who you wanna be, B A R B I E) (Y’all… this was legit said during my cry session in the car Jon is my witness and it kind of broke the tension and made us both giggle).
God Damn. Great movie. Changed my life. I owe it to myself to be my full self. There is so much that I want to accomplish in this life, and even when I’m fairytale fantasizing I catch myself thinking “yeah but that would never happen…” Well why the HECKsie not?! Because I’m saying it won’t?! What an awful life to live, restricted by my own made up limitations. I’m going to soar through the sky and harness enough of my own energy to fight off space ships.
*louder for the people in the back*
I am capable of soaring through skies and harnessing enough of my OWN energy to fight off space ships.
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk & see you next week.